600 Days – Forever Missing You

Dear Ava, 
 
May 4, 2019, marks 600 days since you took your final breath. Its nearly Mother‘s Day again. I wonder what life would be like had things turned out differently. 
 
Missing you looks and feels different each day. Sometimes it changes by the hour. The one thing that never changes is how different life is without you. There‘s a void where the things we would have shared are left waiting, left silent and go unnoticed by everyone else. 
 
Some days I chat with you about what I am doing or thinking…like I would if you were here. The silence is thick, but talking to you makes me feel normal. 
 
Sometimes the sadness is too heavy to lift, so I drag it around with aching muscles. I‘m slowly moving through time just waiting until I see you again. Sometimes the hurt feels way too normal. 
 
There are days when normal feels like the tears will never stop. At every turn, there‘s a blast of sadness like walking into a freezer on a 100° day. Bone-chilling sadness I can‘t shake. 
 
Other days pass by like rolling fog. I daydream about you, about us. I can‘t remember where I‘ve been or where I‘m supposed to be. The blank spaces are wide valleys of flowing thoughts that carry me away. I‘m drifting aimlessly amongst countless memories and it feels normal. 
 
Normal is forever mothering you because that is motherhood. The separation between heaven and earth doesn‘t make me less of a mother. It looks and feels very different, but it is still motherhood.  
 
I decorate the cemetery every holiday because you cherished festivities. You loved fashion, so I lay out your favorite outfits for special occasions. You had a glow that is missing, so there will always be a special light in your honor. Loving you is normal. Grieving you is loving you forever and always. 
 
Love you to the moon and back and back again! 

Forever yours,

Mommy  
 
May 5th is Bereaved Mothers Day, a holiday I didn‘t know existed until I became one. To learn more click the link below. 
 
https://stillstandingmag.com/2016/06/02/international-bereaved-mothers-day/ 

To all the bereaved mother’s in the world, my heart aches for you!!