Hope

Panic and life can go hand in hand, I’m not talking about being late or spilled milk. You know, that moment you think your young child is missing, the one when your heart stops and your mind races…everything spinning out of control.  Then suddenly you realize they are right next to you and everything is better. Panic followed by a wave of relief washing over you. Once you’ve had that feeling you never forget, it never goes away.

I’m waiting for my wave of relief. The panic happens to me countless times a day, but the wave never comes. The water just keeps receding. I have to physical say “stop” to survive the heart attack mind explosion that happens over and over because Ava is gone forever.

I wonder when the peace will come, then I realize it never will because Ava’s life was cut short. Her life was stolen by a monster called cancer. The monster left memories that terrify me in the broad daylight like a never-ending nightmare. The monster stole the “unmemories”, the happy ones yet to be made and replaced them with flashbacks of my child dying a slow death.

This trama, this grief can’t be cured, the only option is to survive it second by slow tedious second. Somedays there is thriving, somedays the minutes turn into hours faster than other days, but each day ends and begins the same…in grief.

This is a glimpse into my window of perspective. Yes, I suffer and no you can’t always see it. Do I write this to scare you or for your pity…HELL NO! Never in my life would I want someone to feel sorry for me, raising awareness is my objective here.

I was once told that grief and depression are not the same, but that is a very grey line in my opinion. Please don’t make assumptions that someone is okay because of how they look or act. Take the time, no matter who they are to show kindness and compassion. A smile is sometimes all it takes. You never know who is fighting an invisible battle and may need a friend.

“Our human compassion binds us the one to the other – not in pity or patronizingly, but as human beings who have learnt how to turn our common suffering into hope for the future.” Nelson Mandela