Sweet 16 – Another Year of Sun Rises and Pink Skies

For four years the sun has continued to rise and set, as I stand here before pink skies and wonder how that is even possible.  I awake each and every day to the shocking realization that I will never touch your silky cheek, hear your contagious laughter or see your sunny smile. Not here, not on this earth where the sun continues to rise and set without you.

They were right you know. All those people who said the pain wouldn’t go away. I didn’t want to believe, but they were right. The pain sits deep in the hollow of my soul and it twists its way in and around my being. It is constantly toying with my heart and winding its tentacles around my guts. This pain they call grief is all my love that has had nowhere to go for the past four years.

I want to tell your story and shout it from the mountain tops. I want people to hear my words and know you mattered. One simple thing… for you to be forever remembered. Forever LOVED! The truth of these words stings my eyes and burns my throat. THIS I know is the very absolute TRUTH. It is my profound grief surfacing from the depths of my tortured soul and driving me from stillness.

I have once again reached your season. The time when my body knows before my mind does that another birth/death milestone is fast approaching. My shoulders and neck ache like the world is sitting on them and my heart rate increases to a higher than normal resting count. My chest hurts like I’ve run a marathon through thick smog. In the weeks preceding these anniversary dates, I wonder if I am getting sick, but this isn’t that kind of feeling. Then I recognize that my body is remembering the time you started your climb. The timing of this physical response is uncanny. My whole being will never forget when I birthed you and when I gave you back. This season of deep sadness is profoundly numbing and isolating. It feels like a thick blanket of fog weighing me down and covering me in cold damp darkness. It is unshakeable, unmistakable, and unrelenting grief.

My nest is empty, little one. With Emma away at college, learning to spread her wings on her own and you having spread your angel wings far too soon it is intensely quiet here. I imagine this year, what it should be like with you turning 16 and learning to drive. This momma bird wasn’t ready to let go, but time ticked its way … seconds into minutes … into hours … into days … into weeks … into months … into years.

I know you have told me this place I am in is my cocoon and when the time is right I too will spread my wings and learn to fly again. Thank you for that, but it is hard right now to think of what that means and how it looks when the very best part of me was being yours and Emma’s mom. I miss the stories, hugs, games, meals, but most of all I miss being intensely needed. I miss being unconditionally loved by small wonders with massive hearts. I miss my kids with every single beat of my heart. Yes, I know I will always be MOM, and I am insanely proud of my beautiful ladies, but this transition is painful. The suffering is endless and I am exhausted, my sweet friend.

My promise to you still stands each day to make the world a better more beautiful place. I will continue to honor your legacy of kindness, giving, and love for as long as I live. Momma loves you, sweet girl! Happy Angelversary and Birthday Beautiful!