The Monster Within

The following is a small glimpse into my PTSD story. The trauma lives within and today the monster within reared its ugly head. The trigger:  Emma had surgery to remove her wisdom teeth. This is a quick routine procedure done regularly. Google says about 10 million wisdom teeth are removed in a year. Even so, I won’t downplay it because it is painful, requires recovery, and comes with risks, so being nervous is most warranted.

This morning I would have put myself in between the okay to the good category for nerves. I had some butterflies and a bit more overthinking than normal… but nothing worth writing home about.

The onset: Then out of the blue things took an abrupt turn for the worse. Suddenly it felt like I sent my baby back for brain surgery. I’ve done that several times and today those all too familiar feelings from years of anxious medical procedures landed on my sternum like a semi-truck.

With the flip of a switch my mind was racing…why can’t I catch my breath, why is my heart racing? I’m so nauseated and my head is pounding!

This came without warning. I was fine … I was driving. Then my eyes welled up with tears threatening to expose my compromised emotions.

I looked towards Emma with a forced smile. Trying my best to swallow the lump in my throat, I asked how she was doing. If I focus on her I will be okay. I will be able to breathe again.

I was okay … until I wasn’t.

They called her in. I kissed her cheek and said I love you. As the door closed all the air went away like a vacuum sucked it all up. The dam broke and my cheeks were soaked. I prayed an all too familiar prayer for my child, her doctor, and nurse. This time I prayed for myself too.

“Dear Lord, I need you,” I stammered.

I texted my person Kris. Like medicine he did what he does best he told me to stop it and then made me laugh.

Now I write.

I put it here instead of holding it in. I lay it out like a blanket wide open, flat out…

PTSD is the monster within. Sometimes it peaks its ugly head out and gut punches me.

PTSD is …

“A disorder in which a person has difficulty recovering after experiencing or witnessing a terrifying event.

The condition may last months or years, with triggers that can bring back memories of the trauma accompanied by intense emotional and physical reactions.”

The aftermath: Today is another reminder of a reality that will never leave me. I cannot deny these feelings. Nor will not pretend to be okay. I will acknowledge my situation for what it is. I cannot dismiss it with the notion that I am overreacting because I certainly am not. These feelings are real. They live within because …

I lived … vibrantly.

I loved … completely.

I lost a piece of my heart.

I am not whole, but I am healing.