If There Is A Will
If there is a will there is a way. Ava’s Way! Today marks the 13th year we have raised lifesaving funds for childhood cancer research. From the very beginning of Ava’s battle, I swore I would NEVER give up the fight for these kids and their families. I hold true to that statement no matter what. That is why even amid a full-on global pandemic we are shaving heads for St. Baldrick’s.
The same things you are feeling as the virus spreads, parents and their children with cancer have felt since they heard “you have cancer”.
Some of those feelings are….
- Fear of death.
- Mourning the loss of dreams, events… even normalcy.
- Severe isolation for weeks and months, sometimes years on end.
- Fear of infection, because every germ is potentially deadly.
- Awareness that there is a lack of life-saving treatment.
- Financial devastation.
- Not knowing if life will ever feel “right” again.
This pandemic has left me reeling with memories and emotions. I have feelings of terror that live just below the surface every day, and now they are seeping through like brand new wounds. Nightmares that plagued me for years have come back with full vengeance.
There is a thought that creeps into my head and it feels traitorous. I am ashamed of it, but I may not be the only one feeling it, so here it is…
I miss Ava with all of my soul, but at the same time, I am thankful she isn’t here going through treatment in the middle of all this.
God, please forgive me and help me forgive myself!
The terror of losing her grips my heart still to this day. I remember sitting in public places hearing coughing and sneezing all around us. I wanted to run. My blood would begin heating in my veins like fire. My heart would pound in my throat so hard I couldn’t swallow. The air became needles in my eyes, pricking and stabbing, even tears wouldn’t wash them sting away. My lungs would literally shrink to the point there wasn’t any room for oxygen.
This was my reality for years.
I was living in terror of an infection that could creep into my child’s immunocompromised body and kill her. Not only was she tiny and scared from all the treatments, but she also had a severe allergy to two potentially lifesaving IV antibiotics.
Terror is the only way to explain what it’s like to live as a parent of a child with cancer. The fears plaguing our world in this pandemic are everyday life for cancer patients. Take the pandemic terror and multiply it… you’re wearing the shoes of a parent trying to save their child from Cancer AND Covid-19. Those parents are locked away in their homes, praying, hoping… just freaking trying to breathe.
That is why, no matter the circumstances, we will raise funds for childhood cancer research. Did you know that some treatments haven’t changed in over 25 years? Every year globally there are 300,000 children diagnosed with cancer and 12% of children diagnosed with cancer will not survive.
For 13 years our Strength for Ava / Ava’s way tribe has been there fighting and raising funds and for that I am grateful. Knowing there are people like our St Baldrick’s organizers and volunteers out there giving their time to this cause year in and year out helps me find peace in this great big scary world.
We will overcome, we will persevere! If there is a will, there is a way… Ava’s Way!!
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