In the Grips of Grief – Pandemic Panic

What looks like panic is grief. Society is grieving the loss of normalcy and security. We are grieving the loss of the everyday comforts we take for granted. We are mourning the loss of experiences and activities we had planned and looked forward to. We are reeling from the loss of control.

I am not an expert on grief, but I’ve learned a thing or two over the past two years. People buying toilet paper is a grief response. People are seeking some control… any kind of control. When my 11-year-old died, I bought my perfectly healthy 15-year-old a burial plot. You probably don’t know too many teenagers who own their own gravesite. Why did I do this? Because I needed control… any kind of control.

I started buying in bulk for my small family years ago. Why? Because caring for a critically ill loved one has left me in a constant state of anxiety. Going to the store is hard, so I prepare. Preparing is security. When you are grieving, you may lose some sense of rationality. Know that control over “things” is only temporary. Bulk toilet paper will not end your grief.

Denial is big.

Let’s face it; pretending it isn’t real will change nothing. Denying what is happening around you will only delay the inevitable. You will need to come to terms with the loss, whether that is the loss of events, losing income, and/or losing a major milestone. Big or small, it is a loss, and it hurts.  It can’t be denied.

Anger and grief go hand in hand and it is very hard to understand. Feeling like breaking something one second and bawling the next? It is possible to be sad and mad at the same time. It feels like CRAZY, but the real crazy comes when you hold it all in. Don’t go breaking stuff…. seriously. The satisfaction from destruction is only temporary, and the lasting impact is much worse. 

Exercise is GOOD

If you can’t exercise, try crafting or cleaning. The act of doing / moving helps release the pent up stuff you don’t know what to do with. When Ava died, my heart rate was through the roof and the only thing that helped was a bike ride. It calmed my heart. 

If grieving overwhelms you, ask for help. Seriously! It is hard as hell, and I suck at it, but suffering in silence is awful. People want to help, but you have to reach out. If telling your story is what you need, please do so. Bonus: sharing might help someone else. In a world of so much judgment this can be scary, so if you don’t want to put it out there, try journal writing or write a letter. Writing can be therapeutic.

Even if it seems like all hell has broken loose and you are hanging on by a thread, please remember you are loved and you are strong. Grief in our society is misunderstood and people often feel isolated and judged negatively. Please remember we are all in this together and whether you understand or approve of other’s actions, it is not your place to judge. 

Everyone reacts differently, and reactions will change from moment to moment. Struggling to find meaning is also a stage of grief, so if you are judging others or passing blame, please remember this situation we are facing is big and reaches way beyond our small life circles. If meaning is what you are seeking, then find out how you can help in your community. 

Giving back provides meaning. Complaining does not.

Blood drives are being canceled, so we need blood donations. Schools are being canceled, so some children may be without meals. The elderly need prescriptions and groceries, but they should stay home. Immunocompromised people need you to remember their lives are valuable too.

All lives matter!

Every time someone says this is no big deal and plays it down by saying it only impacts elderly or sick people is a punch in the gut. People are so disrespectful! It hits close to home and every time I hear this is a hoax or overreaction. To those that have never had to care for the elderly or critically ill, I will say this once more… ALL lives matter. These lives are more important than any event, or activity that has been or could be canceled. Yes, your feelings are important and I grieve with you and for you, but don’t put yourself before anyone else. That’s just selfishness.

Acceptance will open your mind to a greater understanding. Once we accept that things may be different and possibly difficult we can begin moving forward. Remember, we are innovative and imaginative and if there is a will, there is a way. Also, don’t overthink every situation, because it is exhausting and way too stressful. It is okay to plan and prepare, but know that you can only do so much. I find that prayer and/or positive thoughts help too.

Grief is not a timeline, but a cycle.

And sometimes it’s a jacked up cycle. Everyone’s experience with grief is their own and should NEVER be judged. Strength comes from recognizing your feelings and preparing the healthiest reaction. If the recognition comes after the fact, acknowledgment is still important because it will better prepare you for when it happens again. And it will happen again because grief is inevitable.

Godspeed my friends!