My Longing Heart
My heart is always longing for what it cannot have. It has been over two years and every day feels like….
Your favorite song interrupted. You know, that one song you blast and sing at the top of your lungs every –single – time. The words and rhythms invade your soul. Even if you cannot blast and sing it aloud, you do it in your head. You imagine it and feel it no matter what.
The song in my soul will never finish…
The movie you have been waiting for months to see is sold out… everywhere. You have watched all the trailers made and told every person you know and then some. Each passing day tediously marked off the calendar. You studied the cast and read the reviews. Only to find that everyone is in that theater and you are left standing outside without a ticket.
Sneak peeks are all I have…
Your number one singer leaves the stage before the concert is over. The arena clears and you stand with an unsung song in your heart and untapped rhythm in your feet. One second you are jumping and screaming surrounded by thousands of fans and suddenly the amps power off and the mic goes silent.
The pounding in my ears is the only sound left…
The curtain drops in the middle of the scene. All the lights go out and stillness owns the theater. The actors stand like statues not knowing what to do or say. You will never know how the story ends. There will not be any bows or bravos at the end of the night. Bouquets of flowers left in empty seats.
The show will never go on…
The comedian everyone said you HAD to see fails to deliver the punch line, yet everyone laughs and cheers. You look around confused because there is nothing funny to laugh about. It is a cruel joke. The kind no one else understands.
Happiness feels like a joke everyone else gets…
The magician drops his top hat and the rabbit runs off. Flashes of white fur scurrying around and leaping off the stage. The frightened bunny darts down the aisle escaping grasps from the audience and door attendants. Everyone is just trying to save him.
The show was over before it really even started…
Two years and two months and I still cannot believe Ava is gone. I cannot find a way to accept the unacceptable. My heart wants to heal, my head wants to mend, but there is no healing or mending what is not there. My soul shattered when Ava died and part of it went with her. I am trying to understand a purpose with half a soul, but it feels like an interrupted song, a sold-out show, an unfinished scene, and a botched joke rolled into a bad dream and stuck on replay 24/7.
Twenty-four hours, seven days a week I miss her with my broken soul. I hum unfinished songs and cling to the sneak peeks of her short life. Forever I wonder about the scenes I will never see, like middle school, high school, college, marriage, family. I try to laugh even though guilt chokes it off every time. Again and again, I sit in the audience knowing that my story will never end the way it was written in my head. My heart will always long for the whole song, the last dance, the complete script.
