Twenty-Two Months

Dear Ava,

Today marks the twenty-second month since your body could no longer hold your spirit and I miss you just as much today. I will never stop missing you. Being a mom to you and Emma is my greatest and most rewarding experience. Losing you has been the hardest…

I cannot explain the magnitude losing you has had on my life. I am no longer and will never be the same person. In some ways, I am better, but joy is harder to come by without you. You were my greatest cheerleader, my soul mate.

I start each day reluctantly trying to be positive. People say that happiness is a choice, but not always. It is WORK, very hard work. Yes, I try to choose happiness, but I know that sadness is okay too. Until faced with life without you I naively thought grief was a passing stage, but grief like this never passes.

I feel you, your spirit nearby, but I just want to hold your hand, touch your cheek, and hear your laugh. I wonder and always will wonder what you would look like today, how you would act and even sound. My heart aches and my breath catches, because I am constantly reminded that life goes on without you.

I have moved on and forward since you took your last breath. I have done this with your spirit in my heart each step of the way. Most will probably look at me and say isn’t it time to get over it, but I will never get over you. You aren’t something to get over. You are my child and I will mourn your death, celebrate your life, and honor each anniversary/milestone. I am your mom yesterday, today and tomorrow.

Love you to the moon and back and back again… and again,

Mommasita