New Year New View

I vividly remember the sadness of last New Year’s Eve. The painful acknowledgment that this would be the first year no new memories with Ava would exist. Ava LIVED in 2017 and I was not ready to let it go. I wanted nothing to do with 2018, NOTHING.

Now here it is the end of 2018. I am alive, which is a miracle itself because no mother should outlive her child. The clocked ticked minute by minute, hour by hour and I survived each tick, each tock. Many of the days 2018 brought were just about getting through and surviving the greatest of all losses.

As I look back, a little deeper, into 2018 I see some growth and positive advancements. We made progress, from the signs Ava sent to lifesaving events in her honor, somehow we kept the forward momentum. In this first year, we fought cancer, by riding hundreds of miles and shaving heads at St. Baldrick’s. Ava’s blood drive was a huge lifesaving success and Ava’s Garden was born. Each of these was a labor of love and with the help of many Ava’s legacy carried on, one day into the next until the first year without her heartbeat came and went.

Writing is a game changer for me and Living Ava’s Way is a passageway from the darkest of places. There is hope here, something I thought I would never have again, so thank you all for reading and sharing my posts. Thank you for being the light for me.

For as long as there is a beat in my heart, I will love Ava. I will talk about her and carry on sharing her legacy of kindness and love. My motherhood story changed, but I am still a mother. Birthdays and holidays look and feel so very different, but as long as I am here on earth Ava’s spirit will live on. Ava may not have taken a breath in 2018, but her spirit astounded me. Watching the way others honor her memory is beautifully breathtaking. At the end of each day, there is a pink and gold sunset and lots of LOVE in my heart.

I’ve been thinking a little about what 2019 will bring. I know I will continue to fight cancer and save the butterflies. I will continue to write, probably in many forms. There are so many ideas from starting a foundation, to writing books, to hosting impactful events. These ideas are like a chrysalis, it is unknown what the butterfly will look like, but there is hope in the spreading of its wings.

Ava taught me to DREAM BIG, so I will continue. My biggest fear is FEAR itself. Am I enough?  God has entrusted me with her legacy and those are BIG shoes to fill. I had no idea how I would survive 2018, but now that I have started this new life, I have hope that I can be the best earth momma and angel momma.

Ava’s wish was that there would be beauty in everything, everywhere. With your help, we can make a difference in this world, Ava’s way. I hope you stay with me on this journey, as I will need some steady navigators and strong rowers on these unchartered waters. Here’s to thriving Ava’s Way in 2019.