Live the Why

I lost my child and the WHY of Christmas is like the blaring sun. I need it, I feel it, I want it, yet it hurts. Everywhere around me are people who have lost their Christmas spirit. Not the shopping, cooking, decorating spirit, but their true spirit. They may not even remember the true spirit, as they lost it years ago with their childlike innocence.

Kris and I went Christmas shopping yesterday for our nieces and nephews. As we made our way through Target, we passed the girls’ clothing section. I pulled in a hard breath and thought THIS SUCKS! I caught a women’s expression of disgust out of the corner of my eye and realized I had spoken my thought aloud. I am sure she thought I was a Grinch, but I do not care. This sucks because I want to buy fuzzy sweaters, sparkly dresses, and printed tights for my little girl.

I ducked my head as we rushed past, but the outfits screamed Ava’s name. The dresses were like hands in a haunted house reaching for my heart. I couldn’t help touch the last sweater in the section, my fingers grazed the soft fabric as I clung to my broken soul.

There are so many like me walking on glass through the holidays. There is no badge of courage, but every day is a war. We are out here ducking bullets of depression, sadness, judgment, anger, loneliness, and so on. Each day is a battle, just to survive the pain of what should have been while trying to find the joy in what is still here.

As we continued our shopping, I worked my way around a couple women gossiping about family and friends. On and on they went about how so and so hates so and so. Their words running together like a bloody train wreck. They stood there proclaiming their personal business for all of Target to witness like it was some kind of show.

I could not get away fast enough. Gossip is like quicksand, one-step in and suddenly you are up to your ears and hear nothing else.  You can’t see the truth anymore and you don’t realize you have drowned your soul in hate and judgment.

As I miss my child with every cell of my body, I struggle to understand the pettiness of our society. We put our names on THINGS as if they bring happiness when happiness is in our hearts. We check people off as if they are nothing, yet chase the next bargain as our lives depend on it. We must have the latest technology first and wear the trendiest fashions best. We must look cool yet be chill. It’s okay to stand out as long as everyone agrees because sheep should not stray from the flock.

Earlier this week a situation occurred that spurred my interest. It is not my story to tell, so I will not gossip or speculate, but the outcome made an impact on me. Someone strayed from the flock and stood up for something they thought was important. This individual knew that there would be consequences, but they forged ahead because they believed they could make a difference.

The outcome was the exact treatment they were standing against. Friends turned their backs. People took to social media to gossip and exchange personal opinions. They called names, judged and gave dirty looks thinking they were better and their opinion was right.

The truth is that life is not about being right or wrong. Life is about being compassionate, kind, forgiving, open-minded and understanding in all circumstances. Someone’s opinion is just a passing thought that changes with every life experience, but how you made someone feel is forever. The result may look like failure to those who judged and criticized but the only failure was their own inability to be kind.

As you pass through this holiday, make it special.

• Not only remember the why, but also LIVE the why.
• Do not just think you are kind, but also BE kind.
• Love with your HEART, not your bank account.
• Do not just talk. SAY something important as I love you or I am sorry.
• Give unconditionally because you want to, not because you WANT.
• Do not just show up, be PRESENT.
• Put judgments aside and BE open in heart and mind.
• Don’t spread darkness, be the LIGHT