Grief – A Different Perspective

Have you ever thought about grief and why it is so misunderstood in our society? People seem to fear grief like the flu. It’s not contagious, yet we run from it, shying away from sadness like its a veil we will be forced to wear. I never gave grief much thought until it hit me hard and I didn’t know what to do with it. I tried to run from it like it was a monster. I tried to sleep it off like it was a virus. It didn’t go away though, I had to learn to live with it.

I’m learning about grief and watching those around me and how they react to it. I am trying to understand why this has to be such a lonely place. I wondered this about cancer too, why people are afraid to open up to someone hurting or struggling. It is my belief that it simply comes down to fear. Not fear of the person(s) or the situation(s), but of their own emotions. Fear of the feelings that come with being involved and close to someone who is hurting. The excuses, I don’t know what is needed or what to say, is a cover for the reality that we don’t know what to do with our feelings.

Managing our emotions is a practiced skill that only comes through life experiences.

This is not something we can learn on the internet. We must live the feelings and face the insecurities. I have so many stories of people who did this and their strength had a profound impact on me. One story, in particular, is of a friend who picked a cup of dandelions for me after Ava passed. She brought them to me and was so overcome with emotions she had to leave immediately. That act was one of true strength and compassion. She felt drawn to act and not only did she follow through she felt all the feelings and that connection was the greatest gift.

Yes, grief is awkward and uncomfortable, but it’s also the time when the vulnerability is OKAY! It’s okay to not know what to say. For years people have skirted away from the hard things to a point where the practice of sitting quietly with those hurting is a rarity. People just want to give their thoughts and prayers on Facebook and move on. They cry reading social media in the privacy of their homes where no one will see because, in our society, we have labeled criers as weak. In reality, those crying are often the strongest because they have been dealt the hardest experiences in life.

I am intrigued by the notion that I could in some way change the perspective of grief.

What if grief was accepted as an inevitable part of life? It is true, we will all face grief at some point because there is no escaping death. I am sharing my journey in hopes that it may help someone grieving or help us adapt to a life where grief is accepted and better understood. Maybe we will become a society that no longer shrugs off sadness because it makes us uncomfortable.

I like the saying “its okay to not be okay.” I’ve been seeing it a lot lately and I agree because everyone has a story of a time when they were not okay. Many of us have stories of someone that made a difference in our lives during those times, yet there are just as many who do not and that is not okay.

Every single day in America approximately 7000 people die.

That’s more than the population of the town I live in and yet its taboo to talk about death. I have done a bit of research on this topic and found that the changes in our culture have greatly impacted our views on death and our acceptance of grief.

“The notion of one day disappearing is contrary to many of our defining cultural values, with death and dying viewed as profoundly “un-American” experiences. The rise of the self has made it increasingly difficult to acknowledge the fact that our individual selves will no longer exist. Death and dying became almost unmentionable words over the course of the last century, topics not to be brought up in polite conversation.” –Lawrence R. Samuel Ph.D. states in his article, Death, American Style

I watched the movie Coco and was intrigued to learn more about Día de Los Muertos or Day of the Dead. The traditional way death is approached is enlightening to me, because it’s so different from anything I’ve experienced. The Day of the Dead is a celebration where mourning is viewed as disrespectful to the spirits. Death is a natural part of the human experience and this celebration is a way to keep loved ones near. Celebrations and alters are created to welcome the spirits back to earth beginning October 31st – November 2nd. The belief is that there is a second life and being forgotten is the ultimate and final death. This was an eye-opener to me because my greatest fear is that Ava will be forgotten. What a beautiful way to keep loved one’s spirits alive.

Other cultures have similar views and celebrations according to Country Navigator

“In Japan, the dead are remembered during a three-day holiday in August, Obon, when the spirits of ancestors are believed to return to the family home, graves are cleaned and fires lit. This celebration of the dead is common in cultures where ancestor worship is practiced. In these cultures, life is seen as cyclical rather than linear and the dead are believed to have powers over the living, such as the ability to bless or curse.

“Ghana is another example of this belief in an afterlife, with a relatively new tradition of elaborate coffins, which will illustrate the interests, profession or status of the departed but also see them off into the next life in style. A coffin may take the form of an aeroplane, or a Porsche, or a Coca Cola bottle, an animal or even, in dubious taste, a giant cigarette packet. Coffin makers are highly sought after and are regarded as important artists. Funerals are enormous affairs, often costing more than weddings, and advertised on huge billboards so that nobody in the community misses out.”

How do we get to a place where one of the most important events, our earthly death, is no longer unspeakable?

I think the answer lies in a simple approach, where it is acceptable to ask questions and talk openly like children do. Traditions around death are just as important as they are around holidays like Halloween and Christmas. I have watched many of Ava’s friends celebrate her life and every time my breath is taken away at how beautifully it is done. The death of a loved one WILL be painful and tragic, but does it have to be so dark and lonely?

Kids have some of the greatest perspectives on things like illness and death. My youngest nephew asked about Ava a lot after she passed away and one day he asked if she was in jail. I like this innocent perspective because it means she isn’t gone forever, she’s just in a place where we can’t physically be with her.

“In order to break through the silence and avoidance that shape contemporary American attitudes toward death, we must teach young people different ways to engage with the end of life. Rather than shield them from the specter of mortality, we need to give them the space and tools to explore their own relationship to it.” –Anna Hannig a professor states in her article Talking About Death in America 

There is a better way of helping each through the inevitable and we can begin with our understanding that life is short and fear is the only thing holding us back from a life lived so well that death is accepted as the next chapter. Thoughts and prayers on Facebook are okay, but in order to truly be an accountable member of this thing called life we must show up and follow through on your thoughts and prayers.

“By putting death in historical perspective, however, we are better equipped to come to terms with the inevitable, and ideally come to the realization that knowing we will die one day makes life that much sweeter.” – Lawrence R. Samuel Ph.D. states in his article, Death, American Style