Hands

Moments after you entered the world we made it official with your handprint. This would be the first of many gifts. I remember how tiny and perfect your hands were as I held them. I tried to memorize exactly how they looked, trying to forever etch the picture in my mind of each small finger, ten miniature fingernails, every crease of your palm and those sweet knuckle wrinkles. I was in awe, madly love and I held your hand to my heart and promised to love and protect you with all that I had.

I held your hand as you slept in my arms, as you took your first steps, as you learned to hold a spoon. I held your hand as we walked to the bus on your first day of school. I held your hand as you got your first shots. I held your hand on walks in the park. I held your hand for as long as I could.

I watched those tiny infant hands transform into chubby toddler hands. Then before I was ready, they transformed into helpful child hands and suddenly slimmed down into beautiful preteen hands. I watched in awe, madly in love as you grew and learned to use those hands to love and help others.

I remember your soft hands giving backrubs to daycare providers because they worked hard caring for you. I recall your sweet hands making crafty gifts for your teachers because they worked tirelessly to teach you the wonders of the world. I witnessed your faithful hands praying to God to protect those around you. I felt your loving hands on my cheek as I cried because all I wanted to do was love and protect you forever.

Just hours, before you passed with the help of your doctor, we made handprints for keepsakes. This would be your last gift. I lay next to you trying desperately to memorize every crease in your palm, the feel of your hand in mine, the soft skin in contrast to the sharp nails. I even tried to memorize the way your hands smelled. I held your hand to my heart and promised I would find a way to be okay. Even though I could no longer protect you here and heaven was where you needed to be I promised to love you with all that I had forever and always.

For the past year, I have longed with a deep ache to hold your hand. I have cried many tears without your soft touch to wipe them away. I have walked many walks without your hand in mine. As promised, I am trying to find a way to be okay. My sweet child your hand is forever etched upon my heart with the greatest kind of love, a never-ending love.