Mother’s Day a Different Way

I am not looking forward to my first Mother’s Day as a bereaved mom. In fact, I would like the day to disappear into thin air. I know I am loved because my sweet Emma shows me Mother’s Day kind of love every day…well, most days anyway. Yet, without both my girls this day only emphasizes how massive the hole in my heart really is.

I cry driving down the road, I cry doing the laundry, I cry from the deep well of my broken heart. I am the mother of two very special girls and that I celebrate every day. God gave me these beautiful souls to raise and I love being their mom. I just wasn’t done being Ava’s mom here on earth, so I grieve.

Friday, May 11^th will be 8 months since Ava went to her forever castle in the sky. Monday the 14^th will be the 35^th Monday without her and right in the middle is my first Mother’s day without Ava. Not exactly shiny happy milestones, but I will continue to seek peace and hopefully a happy memory or two will pop up and give me a reason to smile.

Through the months, I have learned about grief and found some ways to cope. Sometimes when least expected a little sign shows up to remind me that I have an angel watching over me. The other day I went to check the mail and out of the corner of my eye under our big maple tree was a white feather stuck in the hard ground. It was standing straight and tall for me to see, a gift from my guardian angel.

There have been cardinals galore, they come in pairs and dive at me on the bike trail or on the road to the cemetery. In addition, yesterday I was taking a donation to Ava’s physical therapy office and another gift from my angel appeared. This donation was particularly hard and I cried all the way to Ankeny. I was able to gather some courage and made it in and out of the building tear free. As I got to my car, the tears came on in a rush, but there at my feet were more feathers. I scooped them up and wiped my tears, knowing my angel was with me.

On this Mother’s Day, please say a prayer for the mom’s like me, the ones who long to hold their angel one more time. The ones who love the little signs from heaven, but would give anything to hear their angel’s voice one more time. To all the mother’s “celebrating” this Mother’s Day with an angel in heaven, may there be “gifts” from above that warm your soul. Blessings to all!