Mending A Broken Heart

My heart will never be whole, but I believe it can be mended in such a way that it is able to take on new joys and blessings. There was a time this did not feel possible, but I am learning that I can from time to time smile for real. I can make it through a day without crying. I can also feel excited about something new.

How we heal is an amazing thing whether it be physically or emotionally. Our bodies and minds are able to take on extraordinary loads and withstand excruciating stress and then somehow bounce back. We might never be the same, but occasionally we come out better and stronger. I heard this quote last night.

“Trauma; it changes everything. After the moment of impact, nothing is ever the same. You reshape around the pain but you’re never the same.” Emily Owens, M.D.

One of my greatest struggles is getting over the guilt that came with Ava’s death. Some days I can’t stop second-guessing myself. Other days it sneaks up on me like a punch in the gut. Did I do enough, did I do the right things, why couldn’t I save her, etc. These questions pound in my head over and over again. I have learned that I can control many of these thoughts. I have a mantra I say over and over again, “I did the best I could with what I had.” Somedays it is on instant replay, but I find myself needing to use it less and less.

The impact grief has had on my soul is tremendous. Initially, I struggled to complete even the simplest thought, and easy tasks took hours to complete. I thought I was going crazy, but I was too sad to care. As you can imagine there weren’t any positive thoughts, even the happy memories made me sad. After weeks upon weeks of barely getting out of bed, I knew I needed to make some changes. Even that decision was not easy in my grief-stricken state, I thought it was bad to feel good because I didn’t want to leave Ava behind. I wrote this in my journal. “The tears trickling down my cheeks feel like your touch, so soft, so delicate. I don’t dare wipe them away.” Slowly piece by piece I am working to mend my broken heart.

Did you know the brain has a natural bias towards negative? It was designed this way for survival purposes. Sounds backward, but science often has that impact on me. According to Angela Ruth’s article: 8 Ways To Train Your Brain To Become More Positive from Due.com,

“It’s been said that humans on average, can have anywhere from 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day – if not more. Pretty fascinating, right? Here’s the issue. Some speculate that an astounding 80 percent of our thoughts are negative and you train your brain to have more negative thoughts over positive thoughts.”

According to Loretta Breuning, Ph.D., Founder of the Inner Mammal Institute, Professor of Management at California State University, East Bay and author of The Science of Positivity and Habits of a Happy Brain, “Our brain is not designed to create happiness, as much as we wish it were so. Our brain evolved to promote survival. It saves the happy chemicals (dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin) for opportunities to meet a survival need, and only releases them in short spurts which are quickly metabolized. This motivates us to keep taking steps that stimulate our happy chemicals.”

There are still those days when everything goes dark and sadness takes the reigns, but I am learning to exercise my mind positively to become a better human being. I have to consciously make the effort to think positive thoughts and stay focused on those thoughts. I purposely seek ways to keep busy doing things I love. This helps to redirect the negative thoughts to positive energy. These actions are often forced, but the more I do it the better I feel. Earlier I mentioned a mantra, I also use meditation, writing, cooking and if it’s a really bad day I clean. I say that somewhat jokingly, but honestly cleaning can be therapeutic for me.

There are many websites with lists on how to train your brain to be positive, but I can’t seem to land on a list that fits me. I can’t find one that says clean your house to be positive. All joking aside, a positive mind isn’t natural and it takes work to achieve. This list resonated with me the most. This is an abbreviated version, so click here to read more on these actions.

8 Ways to Train Your Brain to Become More Positive

1. Observe your thoughts.

The first place to start is by observing your thoughts — even if it’s just for 10 minutes. Since we’re creatures of habit, you may notice that you have the same negative thoughts creeping up in your mind.

2. Scan for the 3 daily positives.

Before you go to sleep you can easily train your brain. Reflect on your day and think about three good things that happened to you that day. Whether if it was someone buying you a cup of coffee, a beautiful sunset or landing a new client. Even the smallest things, like being paid a compliment, having lunch with an old friend or watching your dog roll around are more than enough to make you happy.

3. Give someone a shoutout.

Gratitude is really important. Research has found that showing gratitude can do anything from making you more optimistic to warding off heart disease. A gratitude journal is a good place to start, but I’ve found that sharing your gratitude is far more beneficial.

It may seem a little awkward at first, but trust me, you’ll feel excellent when you give someone a shoutout.

4. Help others.

Whether it’s helping a swamped colleague on a project, holding open a door, buying a stranger a cup of coffee, donating money or volunteering, any acts of kindness can boost happiness.

5. Surround yourself with positive people.

Since emotions are contagious, it only makes sense that you would want to surround yourself with positive people who inspire, empower and motivate you.

6. Look after your body and mind.

Research has found time and time again that taking care of ourselves physically and mentally can influence our happiness and train our brains to be more positive.

7. Subconscious re-training and inner healing.

Sometimes in order to become more positive, we have to uncover and then release the past negative experiences that we’ve been holding onto.

8. Make time to do something that you love.

This may be easier said than done, but one of the best ways to become more positive is making time for something that you absolutely love.

 (By Angela Ruth)